The best part about Christmas is laying around, eating food you shouldn’t and watching movies.
Sure, seeing family and friends is eh, OK, I guess. But nothing beats hanging out with my boys, John McClane, Martin Riggs and Kevin McCallister.
My family has managed to find a way to combine the two in a tradition affectionately known as the Christmas Eve Action Movie Marathon.
After all, what better way to celebrate the Holidays than with sick car chases, explosions, automatic weapons and cheesy one-liners.
Here’s the deal though:
I can’t help but think that had the hero’s been using the Valslide, more asses would have been kicked, more bodies would have been counted, more sex would’ve been had, and more shit would have been blown up.
Not to mention, they’d have done it with even harder, tastier abs. Wins, all around.
So today, I’d like to go through three of the key players in The Christmas Eve Action Movie Marathon Line-up and how I would have trained the movie’s hero to kick even more ass.
You combine fabulous hair, a charming smile and wicked kicks to the face (with tight jeans, mind you) and you’re going to end up with a blockbuster Christmas Action Movie… it even opens with Jingle Bell Rock.
… and a gratuitous shot of Mel Gibson’s ass on his stroll to the refrigerator for his wakeup beer.
That ass happens to be the subject of this Valslide recommendation.
Mel plays Martin Riggs, a hard-drinkin’ police with an itchy trigger finger and bottomless well of raw sexual charisma.
Basically, the ultimate man.
Then you throw in Joe Pesci philosophizing on drive-throughs, Gary Busey burning his own arm with fire and a super-sweet guitar lick behind Danny Glover telling us “he’s too old” for Martin’s tomfoolery, how could this not be a winner?
But regarding the gratuitous ass shot I spoke of, I have a little beef with Mel. (er. that didn’t sound good… and neither does “bone to pick,” but you get me.)
Mr. Gibson, I’ll never be as handsome as you. I’ll never have that coif. And at the risk of letting everyone know that I not only noticed your ass, but that I have thoughts about how to improve it… I’ll go ahead and say “More Valslide reverse lunges, bro. With additional weight.”
Watch this video from Valerie and the guys from LEAF Lifestyle, and get it in!
That’s right. And I ain’t ashamed to admit it. I’m 31 now and Home Alone has made the list every year since it premiered. It’s just that awesome.
While it may not be an “action movie” in the traditional sense, it has earned its place in the Christmas Eve Action Movie Marathon lineup through sheer attitude and Macauley badassery.
Plus, there’s Joe Pesci again… which has to count for something.
Deciding to not call anyone for help, which would probably lead to his parents returning, effectively ending his little “stay-cation” – Little Kevin McCallister decides to sack-up and defend his home from those pesky Wet Bandits, a tricky burglary duo, who strike vacant homes during the Holidays.
Little did they know that Macauly is such a McBeast.
With a seriously awesome suite of whiz-bang booby traps and mind-fucking psychological tactics, Kevin makes the bandits wish they’d just chosen another house.
He’s granted honorary Man Status for being such a stud – but still, he could have brought the pain a little harder had he been carrying a little extra muscle.
Here’s what I would have had him do… Valslide Manmakers.
There are few truths in this world – but if there’s one I’ll hang my hat on, it’s that Die Hard will forever remain the most awesome Christmas movie ever.
It’s not only the best Christmas movie, it’s also arguably one of the best action movies of all time.
Despite being made 25 years ago, I still find myself watching it at least 3 times every Holiday season. And loving every second of it as if it were my first time.
John McClane – the undisputed champion of post-kill one-liners, bloody wifebeaters and looking like a complete BOSS while smoking is a New York cop, visiting his wife in Los Angeles and through finds himself in the middle of a hostile terrorist takeover.
The unforgettable scenes are too numerous to list here but one of the most gripping is when he’s forced to lower himself into an elevator shaft by using his gun strap as a makeshift climbing rope… after it snaps, he gloriously stops his fall by grabbing onto an open ventilation duct and climbs inside.
[side note: this has to be the cleanest ventilation duct in existence.]
After delivering another epic one-liner and giving away his position by sparking his Zippo (why, John, why!?), he spends a few minutes army crawling his way through the duct nearly ending up full of holes.
You know what would have made that crawl a little bit easier, John?
Watch this video to learn how to do them.Skip to the 2min, 7second marker.
Also, dude – the new Valslide shirts for guys are available. Incase you wanted to get change out of that bloody one…
Seriously though, they fit amazingly. Wear one and you too will look better instantly.
(embarassing fact: when I was a kid, I loved the scenes where he walked by the calendar with the exposed boobs. Some of you know what I’m talking about. Don’t lie.)
Well there you have it.
If you can find it in your heart to look past my [awesome] jokes, the exercises I recommend in this article are totally legit and seriously effective.
Even if you’re not trying to stop a group of terrorists from taking hostages and stealing 600 million dollars.
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